Tag Archives: ADHD

Strattera: or how to swallow impending doom in a capsule

Okay, I’m off this shit. It’s making me want to jump off a bridge. Or leave everything. Or at the very least quit my job.

Side effects galore with this one: dysphoria. Look it up. It’s bad.

Dysphoria (from Greek: δύσφορος (dysphoros), from δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is a state of feeling unwell or unhappy; a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort as a symptom ofdiscontentment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, malaisedepressionanxiety or indifference.

Yeah, I need that like I need a third nostril. My pharmacist is weaning me off as of tonight.

Fun fact: after taking it for a month, no beneficial effect on ADHD symptoms whatsoever. Quite the contrary in fact.

I’ll take hiked-up anxiety with Vyvanse anyday over this.

The thing is: I’ve been trying to get my head together to be a better mom for my kids for fifteen years now.  And that’s how old the eldest is… I’m running out of time…

My husband hasn’t left me yet: things are looking up.

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Where’s my mind?

I think I left it in the washing machine.

Because it’s all soggy, washed out, dripping ideas down the drain.

It was so much fun taking ADHD meds called Vyvanse around Christmas time. I wrote and wrote and wrote.

I could write from 6 p.m. to midnight non-stop, words just flowing on the page – I would write so fast I left out some words. I wrote emotion, sex, descriptions. I could literally see the story unfold in my mind.

I asked my friend to read it for me and give me her opinions and ideas for changes.

I asked another friend to read a scene because she could be one of the characters.

Both gave me encouragement and praise.

My husband read the whole fifteen chapters and even if it’s a subject he’d never read on his own, he liked it. He also had ideas, caught mistakes and gave me praise.

Unfortunately, the meds also made me anxious and cut down my attention span to that of a gnat’s so I had to stop taking them.

And I stopped writing. Almost completely. Look at my latest postings on this blog and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

While weaning off the meds, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer, hence the post 3 months to live.

Now I’m taking another type of meds, Strattera, which are not working well so far. They leave me feeling depressed, desperate and sad. They don’t even lighten the ADHD symptoms yet – they take weeks before showing any improvement and I haven’t even reached the proper dosage yet – still implementing them gradually.

This is my second attempt at writing in almost a month – see here for the first one.

I read a post by Chuck Wendig, this writer I follow, who said we have to write everyday, even on days when we don’t feel like it. So here I am, writing.

The effort has given me a headache. Should have put my brain in the delicate cycle.

Oh boy…

Nothing like saying stupid things for all of my son’s friends to hear. That’s what I get for letting him play online games with people across the world with headphones and a microphone in the middle of the family room… (I yelled out “stupid testicle” – I know it sounds weird out of context).

Anyway. Tomorrow trying new ADHD meds, should take a few weeks before I see results. Maybe I’ll stop yelling stupid things (impulsive you think?). I hope I can start writing again. I miss it, but for the life of me I can’t sit still and read through what I wrote so far… 

Anxiety: at least it’s loyal

Anxiety has been my friend for most of my life. It has never left me. It has always been there for me.

It has been a constant companion through thick and thin, through good times, bad times, heartbreak, falling in love, death and grief, birth, marriage, work, career.

It was generous and often introduced me to more friends, like panic, angst, nerves, despair, low self-esteem (with whom I developed a long, lasting relationship), impending sense of doom (not the party animal you would think) and bottomless pit of self-doubt and loathing.

It made me grow, learn new things, and develop new skills like a knack for embarrassing myself in front of people, saying the wrong thing at the very wrong time, mistaking manipulation for love.

Ahhh… where would I be without anxiety. And who would I be? I don’t know, really. And I never will. For anxiety is part of my chemistry, of my heritage and I will certainly fuck someone up and pass it on to one of my kids for sure, because that’s how life works. 

I’m weaning myself from my ADHD meds in order to try a new one. Does it show? Can you tell?

I haven’t written a single word in my novel since last week. No short story either. No little flash fiction peace. Nothing. I hope my passion to write comes back soon. 

Too much

I’ve taken on too much. Possibly. Probably.

Maybe not.

Teaching a bunch of English conversation classes, some far from my home necessitating lots of driving, a restaurant guide blog with two reviews a month, a new client for revisions on a website, these blogs, two books I promised to read and leave reviews everywhere on amazon across the world, barnes & noble, goodreads, etc., starting to write a book… yeah, maybe too much.

Oh hell who am I kidding.

My ADHD meds have been reduced because it seems the type I’m taking isn’t good for me really, it’s increasing my anxiety levels to a frightening level, so my brain is reacting in a weird way: it’s getting overwhelmed by the running hamster on a wheel, just like before when I didn’t take anything. I’m seeing a direct link between the reducing of the meds and my enthusiasm in writing my book. I’m also more irritable, impatient and tired.

This would not be the time for me to chat with those people who told me ADHD isn’t a real problem, it’s just a new trend in psychology to sell more pills, it’s a new way of medicating kids with behavioral problems so they leave teachers in peace by making them stupid, and all those other ignorant, self-righteous, ignorant (I know I’m saying it twice) comments I heard from self-centered people who finish their opinion with “I’m impulsive sometimes that doesn’t mean I suffer from ADHD or need meds”. I’d smash their heads in the walls.

Twenty minutes

So my occupational therapist said I have to time myself when I work to see how long I last before my brain decides to jump to something else: that means it’s not interested in what I’m doing anymore and needs a break. If I do like I’ve always done in the past and try to keep going, scolding myself that I should be able to work just like everyone else, what a bad person I am not to be interested in my work, how come I can’t keep my focus, I must be the worst worker on the planet, I’m such a failure,  my brain shuts down.  To illustrate it to my o.t. (occupational therapist) I told her it was like having a curtain drop in front of my eyes. I can’t see anything anymore, I can’t see the words, I can’t read a full sentence without blanking out… So she said that when the curtain drops, I’ve let it go too long. I should stop before the curtain drops. Like when I have a “Squirrel – dog” moment.

http://youtu.be/xrAIGLkSMls

So I’m writing this post while I’m doing a translation that I am paid for. I also went on goodreads to read some flash fiction from some other members which I always enjoy. And now I’m getting tired, so I guess I should try to finish my translation.

So see you later, guys.

 

 

 

One goal a day

My occupational therapist told me I have to have one goal a day and reach it. Only one. It can be something really really small, or a whole project. If it’s a job, then I need to finish it.

Are you laughing? Think it’s easy? Well, that’s ADHD for you, man. Sometimes even that’s too much.

On with the day.