Tag Archives: anxiety

Running in water

That’s what it feels like. It feels like running in water.

My brain is sluggish at best. In a few seconds, I can think: “Pick up $20 from the table and put in wallet.” “Grab cheque to pay therapy.” “Check time not to be late.” “Call to make appointment for kid’s haircut.” These thoughts just whiz by like lightning.  And are promptly forgotten the minute lightning strikes.

What ensues is a series of slaps on the forehead throughout the day. “Did you call for my haircut?” Shit. Forgot. Dring – “Yeah? I’m in the car. Can you find me the closest ATM to my therapist’s office? I forgot my cheque.” Fuck. If I had remembered to pick up the $20 on the table before I left, I would’ve had enough money on me to pay my therapist in cash… And I’m late to my therapist’s office. Of course.

Oh: and the therapist I’m talking about? Not a psychologist, she’s my occupational therapist who helps me with my ADHD, and gives me tricks and strategies not to forget stuff and get better organised since I can’t seem to tolerate any meds.

All these things cause me a serious amount of anxiety because thoughts that don’t whiz by to be forgotten the minute they show up just bounce around in my head until I freak out: “I have to write today.” “I have to exercise.” “I have to phone an orthodontist to set up an appointment for the kid’s  ingrown tooth.” “I have to read on OneNote.” “I have to find that web page on Scrivener that I liked but that disappeared when my computer broke down.” “I have to get back to so-and-so concerning that email she sent me months ago.” Ding, ding, ding. My head’s a regular pinball machine.

One trick: OHIO. Or Only Handle It Once. So now I’m gonna go back to cleaning up the kitchen that I left mid-task when my phone rang next to my computer which led me to write this post.

Brilliant.

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Anxiety: at least it’s loyal

Anxiety has been my friend for most of my life. It has never left me. It has always been there for me.

It has been a constant companion through thick and thin, through good times, bad times, heartbreak, falling in love, death and grief, birth, marriage, work, career.

It was generous and often introduced me to more friends, like panic, angst, nerves, despair, low self-esteem (with whom I developed a long, lasting relationship), impending sense of doom (not the party animal you would think) and bottomless pit of self-doubt and loathing.

It made me grow, learn new things, and develop new skills like a knack for embarrassing myself in front of people, saying the wrong thing at the very wrong time, mistaking manipulation for love.

Ahhh… where would I be without anxiety. And who would I be? I don’t know, really. And I never will. For anxiety is part of my chemistry, of my heritage and I will certainly fuck someone up and pass it on to one of my kids for sure, because that’s how life works. 

I’m weaning myself from my ADHD meds in order to try a new one. Does it show? Can you tell?

I haven’t written a single word in my novel since last week. No short story either. No little flash fiction peace. Nothing. I hope my passion to write comes back soon.